Life is crazy! And I guess sometimes so am I. Self defeatist? I have been. What I do know, is that I have an avoidant attachment style. I've ruined so many potentially great things. I have come out the other end with a much more clear view of myself. SO, let's catch up!
June ended with some form of reconcilliation with AC. All my own, problems still existed, and I should have stuck to my guns, and kept my distance until I had myself sorted, I should have. But I didn't, and I don't look on here until I decide its time to post something not in my journal. So here it is...I fucked up, royally. And I lied to cover that fuck up, and lied to cover that lie. It was a crazy cycle, and the exact opposite of what I wanted for myself and AC. ESPECIALLY so close to finding that puzzle piece that fit perfectly. SO there is no relationship anymore with her, and although I am trying to be okay with that, I really am not. I come on here and I see a message from her, presumably from my last post in June, and I am gutted for the 5000th time in the last 6-7 weeks.Dear Jeremy,
I love you, you're not perfect, you're you. Kind and smart, and brave, and measured. Regardless of what everyone sees, you are emotional, and have a good heart. But you do make mistakes. And that is okay, be better at taking advice, and listening and learning. And trust your heart. This too shall pass! AC>
😓😢
There was some great moments these last 3 months as well, but all overshadowed by my failures. I cheated on my girlfriend. 2 times. And then to see she wrote she loved me......wow! I wasn't able to say those words to her, but I did too. Still do, and I can't shake it. But I did step outside the relationship and lied and lied. Something I said I would never do with her, no matter how difficult. Limiting the physical nature of the events both times and justifying the acts, and being proud I didn't let them be fully consumated, what a joke. AC found out, and I miss her. She has decided to let everyone into my secrets and it has been a rough time since. Mostly from people wondering why she is sharing their secrets and involving them in her hatred for me. Oddly I don't hate her for it. She has put me in my place, And I have written her several letters, and at the advice of my friends, and Psychiatrist, I am not sending them. I do have a new psychiatrist, her name is Diane, and she is lovely, not just a therapist, but an Actual Dr and Neurologist. A bit too Liberal for me, but lovely, insightful, and so experienced and smart. Our sessions often go very long. And I've spent a pile of money. But there has been so much progress. So far to go still, but much progress.
Its funny how someone like me can believe they grew up loved and supported. Also Neuro-spicy with the ADHD and probably a bit of tism. And then come to a point in life, when you are questioned with what you know about love, first hand, and really not being able to qualify what you thought you knew. And you have to revisit your trauma, and how it broke you, and what you had to do to survive. I turned into the thing I loathed, thething thought I had forgiven and moved on. But I had not. I understood the nature of the trauma, and the nature of forgiveness. And logically did what I needed to move on so I thought. But I left the associated emotions to decompose in a room of compartmentalization. And the rot came through when my armour was down. Bottom line, I let my ego be fed. And because of that weakness I betrayed myself as much or more than even AC. I've been dealing with the personal issues surrounding this, and not the Real LOSS of a Real Connection. So I've moved to mourn this last chapter. I'll post some of the nice things that have happened this summer too. But right now I am in my feels. UGH!!!!
NO EXCUSES BUT A LOT OF REGRET AND LOSS
*Thank God for great friends providing great perspective, regardless of how my heart feels*
